You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
