Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
