If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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