Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Randomize
