if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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