I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Congratulations! We have a period
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
