when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
