Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
