does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
