I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I am one with the molecules
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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