Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
