did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
