you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
