Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
