i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
