I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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