Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
