16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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