so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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