Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
