Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
