I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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