He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
