mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
