The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
