i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
