Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
