after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
