he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
