I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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