I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
