my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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