I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
