I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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