Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
