we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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