I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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