I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
