Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
