two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
