The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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