i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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