we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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