You can't special order awesome
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
