soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
