the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
