I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
