We're facebook friends in real life
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
