I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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