I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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